My name is Humphrey and I’m the Neuticles Spokes Dog. I’m an English Bulldog and no I do not bark with an English accent.
First of all, a big Neuticles thank you for visiting my blog. Check back often as I have a lot to bark about and will add to Humphrey SPEAKS when I can.
I told my pet Gregg Miller – the inventor of Neuticles and all of the pet products offered on Neuticles.com – that I needed a blog to give an inside look into Neuticleland. Since I’m in the news, on billboards and on Worldwide TV (and am even used to see if his pet creations work perfectly well before going on the market) thought the website needed a Bulldog perspective. Gregg agreed as he is well trained and does everything I want. In fact, I play him like a fiddle because I get by with anything. Gregg even tells me “What Humphrey wants – Humphrey gets.”
I got the Neuticles UltraPLUS with ScarRetard when I was three years old. Gregg pulled a fast one on me and said we were going to the vet. I love the vet because it’s a fun place to go. They spoil me with treats, and when my allergies flare up or I need yet another anal gland drainage, they make me feel a whole lot better.
Well, we went into my vet’s office and was sitting on the table. Before I knew it I was asleep. When I woke up Gregg was there and he carried me to the car. We got back to Neuticleland and he carried me to my bed. I was still kinda sleepy and before long I was awake and felt great!
I wondered why I felt better. I didn’t have what Gregg called “nasty male dog habits” and believe me I had them all. One time I was in love with a female far away and didn’t even know her! I didn’t like it because Gregg said the last thing he didn’t want was to pay “puppy support,” and Neuticles solved that. You see, had I tried to go visit my mystery female – I could have gotten lost, run over by a car or even kidnapped! One thing that would have really chapped my Bulldog butt was If I hadn’t gotten Neuticles. I wouldn’t be Humphrey – the dogs would tease me on walks and call me Humphrette! I maintained my natural look and wasn’t turned into a eunuch like some of the other dogs in the hood. It’s kinda sad because their pets were too cheap to get them Neuticles and didn’t love them as much as Gregg loves me. But I do know there are countless thousands of owners just like me in every corner of the World who were Neuticled and live longer, happier and healthier lives. Gregg told me he has spoken to thousands of other pets who said they would not have neutered had it not been for Neuticles. Because they did Neuticle, owner overpopulation has dropped from over 22 million when Neuticles were introduced in 1995 to less than two million today. I’ll go into more detail about that later….
It wasn’t before Jane Wells and this camera crew from NBC News came to Neuticleland and Gregg showed them my Neuticles! I WAS NEUTERED? Gregg never told me that – and I didn’t even know I had them because I looked the same and felt the same! It was like nothing ever changed!
NBC loved me, and I loved Jane and the whole crew. I ran into their camera and made my Bulldog noises, chewed on their big camera and lighting cases, and they thought it was great. You can go to YouTube – just enter NEUTICLES-NBC MAKE IT and you can see how adorable I am.
I see Sammy Squirrel is in my yard again and have to go chase him – so I’ve got to run. Please check back often as I have lots of surprises to tell you!
My pet Gregg suggested that I form a “Humphrey the Neuticles Spokes Dog Fan Club”. Since my Bulldog Blog has gone up I’ve gotten a lot of emails and I love hearing from everyone all over the World! It warms the cockles of my Bulldog heart to know that you love me and I love you!
It’s easy to join and we’ll send you some club gear which includes an official “My Pet Loves Neuticles” bumper sticker, a “Neutering Stress NEUTICLES” button and a brochure about Neuticles. Just click my email link, include your full mailing address and we’ll get that right out to you. Your name and address is strictly confidential. If you want to tell me how cute I am please do! We can include your comments on my Bulldog Blog if you’d like as I can’t tell you how much I would like that!
So many have emailed asking how to get Neuticles. It’s very easy! You see, there are thousands of participating veterinary clinics and hospitals in every corner of the World. Chances are, we have a Certified Neuticles Participating Facility right in your neighborhood. Or, better still, ask your veterinarian about Neuticles. Any veterinarian can place them and in over 25 years there has never been a complication or even a complaint. We even have a special eBrochure you can email your vet or print it off and give to your vet with all the information. Here is the link:
Or, call us here at Neuticleland and we can assist you with sizing, the right model (we have four models to choose from) and you can even order online or by calling!
Some vets won’t do Neuticles. They are what I call “non-progressive” vets. They preach “neuter neuter neuter” but want to only do it the simple old-fashioned way. They have no idea that neutering is traumatic to the pet and his owner-or don’t care. If they tell you that, tell them that you will go to a vet that does care.
Gregg said Kim Kardashian Neuticled her boxer Rocky and there have been many celebrities and sports stars that have as well… but we can’t mention their names or Gregg said we’ll get sued!
Why some veterinarians won’t Neuticle when neutering is odd. I don’t get it. Gregg told me that one veterinarian even told a pet that if they alter their owner with Neuticles that the owner would DIE- cross my Bulldog heart. Gregg called that vet and there was a lot of screaming. Neuticles would not have lasted over a quarter century if they were harmful -nor would Gregg allow them to be on the market. One vet said Neuticles are “not ethical”. I ask what is ethical about permanently removing a body part making a male pet female in appearance? Is maintaining a God given look “not ethical?” So to the non-progressive vets- and those that spread lies about Neuticles -a big Bulldog bark to them,
Speaking of “old fashioned” – did you know that the neutering procedure used today was created in 1802? Neuticles has provided a really important option for over a quarter century. Why? Because its creepy enough to be altered – but whacking off a body part and not replacing it to maintain a natural look is, well….NUTS !!!!
With Neuticles it’s like nothing ever changed!
Im so glad my pet Neuticled me as I have my God given look and am so proud to show everyone my Neuticles when I go anywhere…and you will be too!
Neutering with Neuticles almost makes neutering fun!
Thousands of pets who have Neuticled their owners have called or emailed Neuticleland through the years to say “I wouldn’t had neutered had it not been for Neuticles”. One national humane society said “Who can argue with a perfectly safe procedure that encourages neutering? In fact. when Neuticles were introduced in 1995 over 20 million pets were being killed because of pet overpopulation. Today less than two million a year are killed.
Neuticles must be doing something right as my pet Gregg and Neuticles won the IG Nobel Peace Prize for Medicine in 2005 and the patented Neuticles procedure is even taught and used in some veterinary schools all over the World. The University of Mississippi even Neuticled a colony of RATS ! In fact, Gregg said Neuticles are not only available for adorable Bulldogs like me- but all dogs, cats, horses, bulls. water buffalo, prairie dogs, monkey’s and even an ELEPHANT have been Neuticled.
Join my Fan Club and I’ll be back real soon to tell you more about my heavenly life here at Neuticleland!
Did you know that I am used by my pet as a Guinea Pig? It’s true!
iStainGON and AllerFADE was created by my pet because when I was a year old I developed allergies and the eye stains.
But let’s talk about the eye stains first!
My eyes have tears and they create a nasty looking dark orangery stain that makes my Bulldog face look ugly. My pet bought three “eye stain removers” from pet stores and they were as useless as teats on a boar hog.
My eye stains remained and my pet Gregg said he promised me he would develop a formula that would not only remove the stains but would be absolutely safe- unlike they other brands that don’t work, cost a whole lot more money and have weird chemicals added.
So he formulated an all natural product that’s a secret. He tried this, he tried that and after the third formula attempt -my eyes stains were GONE! He even took pictures of me with the eye stains and after the stains were removed. It was like magic!
I hated being messed with. Im the Neuticles spokesdog- not a Guinea Pig- but I sure look more handsome and cute without those stains that also made me smell bad too. I still get eye stains and when I see Gregg coming with the iStainGON bottle I scoot my Bulldog butt to hide. It doesn’t hurt -I just don’t want to do what my pet wants. Gregg said being Bulldog stubborn is genetic.
I feel really good because my pet created a product that really works, is half the price of the fake products out there and I do like looking even cuter. Even show dog pets all over the World use iStainGON on their owners and they win ribbons ! I didn’t even get a tshirt.
Like I said above, when I turned about a year old I also developed allergies. Not just allergies but really bad allergies. My toes itched so bad. I got bubbly white blisters in between each toe. They hurt and they itched and I licked them endlessly and it didn’t help. The inside of my ears also itched and scratched them so much they bled and still didn’t feel better. They tuned red and rashy.
Gregg freaked out because he took me to three allergy specialists and they all said “Sorry Gregg- there’s nothing we can do” So. like with my eye stains, Gregg said he would create a product that has never existed and its called AllerFADE.
Gregg told me that he researched my toe and ear problems said that emerging bacteria from my Bulldog body was creating my pain and non stop itching- or by simply walking in the grass. I was suffering but was worried because all of the allergy veterinarian’s said “There’s nothing we can do”
Gregg created a perfectly safe formula that not only STOPPED ITCHING ON CONTACT but made the blisters on my toes and the redness DISAPPEAR. I quit having itchy ears- the redness, the rash and the severe redness STOPPED !
AllerFADE kills existing bacteria on contact yet is perfectly safe!
AllerFADE leaves a protective shield that lasts until I walk into a puddle or for several days- whichever comes first- but Gregg made me feel better and here’s what he did…..
He took me back to all of the allergy vets that said “Sorry Gregg- there’s nothing we can do” (after paying hundreds of dollars for useless tests) showed them my toes and ears and their jaws dropped in amazement.
When your vet tells you ‘sorry, there’s nothing we can do’ its AllerFADE to the rescue and that is the slogan for this never before product that was the solution which cured me whilst no one else in the World could.
Its snack time for me now. My pet brought me my snack plate with deli cut turkey off the bone with my favorite and three Skippy peanut butter balls in the middle. Check back soon as my Bulldog Blog will continue…..